Gen Z Is Bringing Back Self-Help Books

For years, TikToker and radio host Helena Ellis felt lesser than in her romantic relationships. "It didn't matter how much I gave to my partner, he would still be insensitive and think I was overreacting," she tells POPSUGAR. "I always wondered how some women made their partners jump through hoops when I couldn't get basic respect."

After tried-and-tested hacks and advice from friends failed, Ellis bought "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov on a whim one morning. The 2002 self-help book promises to be a woman's guide to holding her own in a relationship, and now, the creator swears by it. In one TikTok video, Ellis talks about a principle from the book that says, "Men don't respond to words; they respond to actions." She tells her audience that their partners will continue to "like other girls' photos on Instagram" unless they create some distance.

Like many other TikTok users, Ellis has found an audience by sharing advice from self-help books published and popularized in the early 2000s. Katherine Woodward Thomas's book "Calling in 'The One'" and Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" are other self-help guides from the past that are making a comeback. Besides belonging to a different era, these books are bound by another thread: they reflect heteronormative, sometimes regressive gender norms. But despite these more traditional views, they still hold appeal for some progressive Gen Zers.

"Reading 'Why Men Love Bitches' was my big aha moment," Ellis explains. "There's a chapter called 'Doormat to Dreamgirl' that I live by." Other popular concepts in the book include: "Sometimes a man deliberately won't call, just to see how you'll respond"; "Act like a prize and you'll turn him into a believer"; and perhaps the most problematic of them all, "Before sex, a man isn't thinking clearly and a woman is. After sex, it reverses."

The recent resurgence of self-help books on TikTok raises the inevitable question of why, and why now? Some experts believe the trend is rooted in a renewed quest for love made harder by the lack of guidance and spaces for people to meet romantic interests offline. Or maybe it's a new-age shift away from hookup culture: a 2023 study by StoryTerrace shows that two-thirds of Gen Z want to move away from casual dating to pursue serious relationships. Similarly, Hinge's 2024 dating report shows that Gen Zers are 30 percent more likely than millennials to believe that there's one soulmate for each person, and 39 percent more likely to consider themselves "romantically idealistic."

Clearly, young people are looking for love and are willing to explore new paths to find it. "The rise of older self-help books on social media shows that Gen Z are committed to finding 'the one,'" says therapist Eloise Skinner. "When they are unable to get answers on dating apps, they are looking to foster a community rooted in the past."

In fact, this desire for connection is what pushed TikToker Candace Johnson to read "Calling in 'The One.'" Often dubbed as the book that gets you a boyfriend, Woodward Thomas's 2004 title uses reflective prompts and a workbook style to prepare readers for love and to find the partner they've dreamed of. "I made a video about the book to encourage women like me who are looking for 'Mr. Right,'" Johnson tells POPSUGAR. "The uptick in people reading these self-help guides shows that this generation wants love and marriage but are struggling to find it."

Social media is full of horror stories about swindling, catfishing, breadcrumbing, and worse, and the ongoing loneliness crisis kicked off by the pandemic and excessive screen time has only made finding connections more daunting. No wonder lessons from the past — as befuddling as they may be — seem attractive. As Gabriela Serpa Royo, a senior behavioral analyst at Canvas8, explains, "Many young people believe that forging relationships was easier before digital culture and are looking for hacks on how to foster the kind of close bonds that predate their world. Conservative or not, old books can feel like a time capsule into what many uphold as a more successful time for interpersonal connections."

Content creator Stephanie Cohn often shares her dating struggles in TikTok videos. She recently read "Calling in 'The One,'" and tells POPSUGAR, "Finding love is so different to how our parents or grandparents did it. As someone who grew up in the age of technology, none of us know what we are doing and are just grasping for knowledge from books like these to try and make sense of it all."

Published books also bring a level of authority to relationship advice that social media often lacks. Think of the rise of trends like "girlfriend air," "beige flags" and moon-phase compatibility that gamify relationships and make love look frivolous. (Or the viral orange-peel trend, which promises to dictate whether your partner is really into you or not.) These online ideas can place relationship success on arbitrary concepts. Perhaps young people looking for serious relationships are seeking guidance and assurance that goes beyond TikTok, making published self-help books (with years of promotion behind them) more attractive.

Current events might also be playing a role in the appeal of more traditional relationships emphasized by self-help books. Gen Zers and younger millennials have lived through two recessions, a global lockdown, numerous wars, genocides, and growing climate anxiety. In the face of this unrest, they want dating to be simple and might be more likely to romanticize the past.

"A growing subsect of young people is gravitating towards black-and-white belief systems," Serpa Royo says. "In contrast to the woke liberalism of today, conservatism and traditionalism come with a prewritten set of rules that can offer a reprieve from a culture that constantly demands effort, tolerance, and caution. The tradwife movement is a great example, as is the idolization of [controversial conservative commentator] Andrew Tate."

The rise of gendered trends over the last year also underscores this shift toward binary thinking. Girl math, girl dinner, and hot girl walks were neatly slated for women, while the Roman Empire trend reminded people just how different men's brains are. As Ellis says, "Why Men Love Bitches" helped her understand that "men aren't like us, they are wired differently."

These books continue to place men and women under blanket stereotypes, reminiscent of an even older self-help guide, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by John Gray. For instance, by encouraging femmes to create distance instead of straightforward communication, they place the readers at risk of manipulation. As Skinner explains, "Depending on the way a reader applies the advice from the book, it could make dating more transactional."

"Women may think they need to act a certain way to achieve a specific result or make someone pay attention," the therapist adds. "This not only reinforces traditional gender roles but could also lead to an inauthentic, temporary connection. An organic, open-dialogue-focused approach to dating is more important than quick gratification [that these books may advocate]."

Despite the sexism some of these books espouse, their popularity could be foreshadowing the future of dating. People are craving connection and are willing to go long ways to find it, even if this underscores regressive ideals. It's high time that societal structures facilitate this interaction without creating barriers like expensive dating-app memberships or dwindling third spaces. After all, as cheesy as it is, all people want is love.

Darshita Goyal is a London-based journalist covering internet culture, fashion, and lifestyle. In addition to POPSUGAR, she has been published by The Cut, Mashable, Refinery29, and Vogue, among other titles, and she writes a weekly newsletter demystifying TikTok trends.